The Gift of CLL

CLL

CLL as a Gift.
A strange way to regard a disease, you might think.
And so did I before it happened to me and I began this latest stage in my journey of Self-Discovery, for which CLL was the catalyst.

My reactions six years ago to the diagnosis of a potentially fatal disease were mixed.  Some obvious, some less so perhaps.
Some self-pity, some anger tantrums certainly.  A bit of 'Why me?'
But also a touch of feeling Special: not everyone gets CLL, you know.
I used to walk down the street, looking at other people and thinking "If only you knew that I have a Terminal Disease, you'd treat me with a bit of Respect!"  Daft, eh?
I used to fantasise about being mugged and fighting back, saying "I've got cancer, so I'm going to die anyway, so it doesn't matter what you do to me!"  Blimey, the weird things the human mind is capable of thinking...

And then, with a more mature realisation of the fact that my time on this planet might be more limited than I'd assumed, came a greater appreciation both of Life itself and of what I had right now.  We spend so much of our lives, or I do anyway, taking what we have entirely for granted and bemoaning the absence of what we don't have.  The effect of the CLL diagnosis was to redress this balance for me somewhat.  I guess this is why Buddhists are encouraged to meditate on Death.  A Conscious Awareness of the Transience of Life helps us to be more appreciative of its value.

In my more Reflective Moments I was thus led to a Re-evaluation of my life, Past, Present and Future.

Looking at my Past, I realised how lucky I'd been, and how varied and interesting my life had been thus far.  I've led a life of great privilege materially, compared with 99% of Human Beans on this Earth, lived in different countries, travelled widely, been married (twice!), had children, siblings, cousins, nephews, nieces and gathered a host of good friends from every Episode of my life so far.  It's been a very Rich, Absorbing and Exciting (sometimes perhaps rather too exciting) Ride.



Cleobis and Biton

If I were to die tomorrow (which I have no intention of doing, I assure you), even that old miseryguts Solon might have trouble denying that I'd had a Happy Life; or, as he might have said if they'd invented cricket in Greece in the Sixth Century BC, a Good Innings.  Solon, as you all remember, was asked by Croesus (as in 'rich as Croesus'; yes, that Croesus), as he stroked his golden staters (or whatever they used for dosh in ancient Lydia), just whom did he, Solon, consider to be the happiest man in the world.  Croesus clearly (and smugly) expected the reply "Oh gosh, it has to be you, Croesus, me old olive; just look at all your money, power etc" and only wanted it confirmed by Solon because the latter had the reputation of being a Wise Man.  However, Solon was also a Spoilsport and wouldn't play Croesus's game.  So he mentioned a bloke that nobody had ever heard of called Tellus, purely because he'd had children and grandchildren and died heroically in battle.  Croesus, clearly peeved, ignored this insult and asked "So who's the second happiest then?"  A slightly desperate question, one feels.  And bugger me if Solon still doesn't relent, but launches instead into a long and boring story about a couple of thick Greek rugger buggers called Cleobis and Biton who were pressed into service by their (evidently domineering) mother when she couldn't find the oxen for the oxcart and needed to get to the temple quickly for a service (a religious service, not a 5000 mile service for the oxcart, you understand).  So C & B dragged their Nagging Mater in said oxcart all the way to the temple, despite only having two and a half arms between them (see pic).  Whereupon  they promptly fell over and turned their toes up.  "So," said Solon, as if this proved his point somehow, "call no man happy until he is dead."  Croesus was not unnaturally getting quite cross now, according to Herodotus (for, as you recall, it is he who tells the story) and must have been thinking "Eh??? And who exactly thinks you're wise?"  So imagine his reaction when Solon confirmed what he must have been suspecting by now, that he didn't even come third in the Happiness Stakes.  At which point Croesus apparently gave up asking and called for the Dancing Girls instead.  Well, you would, wouldn't you?

However, it all had a Happy Ending because when, at a later date, Croesus had been defeated, captured and stuck on top of a pyre to be burnt alive by Cyrus of Persia, he realised (a bit late) that Solon might have had a point and called out his name three times.  At which, Cyrus (being a bit deaf) asked what he'd said. Croesus thereupon told him the story of Solon and the ridiculous Happiness Contest.  Cyrus sympathised mightily with Croesus and ordered his slaves to put out the flames and get him down from the pyre and they all lived happily ever after.  Or something.  But I digress.  Rather too lengthily perhaps.

And so from the Past to the Present (as opposed to Gift).
The Shadow of the possible consequences of CLL has made me so much more appreciative of what I have now.  I have much more materially than I really need, I'm ashamed to say. I have a Beautiful, Wise (and High-Earning) Wife, whose abundance of Common Sense so perfectly complements my lack of it. And a Handsome, Happy and Loving son. Then what better illustration could there be of the Wealth I enjoy than the comments on this blog, both on and off it? So many excellent friends sending messages of support and love.  These are the most important things I have, but there is much more of course.
With all this Now - right Now - how could I not feel Blessed?

Greener Grass?

If we stop to think, we all have so much, but it is Human Nature to take what we have for granted and to want what we do not have.  And maybe not just Human nature (see pic).   I am one for whom the grass has always seemed greener elsewhere. So much of our Suffering and Dissatisfaction is caused simply by our state of mind, our Attitude. CLL made me stop and think.  And now I try and encourage myself, with occasional success, to look at Reality with unblinkered eyes, to count my Blessings, not what I think I lack.  This I owe to CLL.

Since this post is already long enough, and because the Future never comes (since by the time it does, after all, it's the Present), appropriately I shall leave the Re-evaluation of my Future, which CLL inspired, for a future post.